Again

In the Lord’s name
and (since the Lord is far away from me)
in the self help pages where I seek meaning,
where it talks about surviving emotional crisis;
I can see only your name
pop out from the pages.

You stalk me without stalking.
I have created the stalker-you
whom I cannot kill, who won’t let me live.
What worse than a stalker
who is also
the object of one’s affection?

It’s getting tiresome now
to talk only about
your name
and to see only
your name
blending with my sole refuge.

I wonder why at all times
a few letters float to the top of any page
to rearrange themselves
in that familiar pattern.
I cannot manacle this madness
that lives behind my irises.

If I gouge my eyes out
will you stop
will it stop
coming to me?
When you stop
when it stops,
will I still live (or want to)
in darkness?